Photo by Thanh Luu

If only my partner were more supportive. If only I had a mom who could come over and help. If only my job were different, or my kids were easier, or I had the babysitter my friend has. Then I’d finally take time for myself. Then I’d stop feeling so resentful. Then I’d feel the way I want to feel.

Sound familiar?

We all know the “I’ll make time for that when…” trap. But there’s another one hiding right next to it, and I see it constantly in the mothers I work with. It’s the “if only” trap. It’s one of the biggest barriers to real change I know of, because it puts the solution in someone else’s hands.

And here’s the thing: you can’t change your partner. You can’t change your mom. (Believe me, I’ve tried.) And you can’t change your kids. We can support them and help shape them, of course, but we can’t change who they are. If we wait for the people and circumstances around us to change before we feel better, we’ll be waiting a very long time.

The Problem You Think You Have

I’m saying this with a lot of compassion: the problem you think you have is hardly ever the whole problem.

I’m not saying it’s never part of it. But we give outside factors far too much credit, both for causing the problem and for being the thing that would fix it.

One of the most eye-opening conversations I’ve ever witnessed happened years ago on a group call. One woman was angry and resentful because her husband made her feel guilty about going away for a weekend. She was furious, and underneath that she felt guilt and shame.

Then another woman spoke up. “Here’s the deal,” she said. “My husband is literally packing my ski bag. He’s like, ‘Go. You should do this.’ And I still feel riddled with guilt. I’m almost annoyed that he’s so into it.”

Two completely different partners. The exact same pattern running underneath.

The first woman was sure her husband was the problem. But the second woman had the “solution,” the supportive partner, and she was carrying the same guilt.

It Takes One Person to Change the Dance

To be clear, I’m laser clear on boundaries, hard conversations, and what is and isn’t okay in our relationships. Those things matter.

But something interesting happens when we change the pattern underneath. Very often, the people around us change too. It only takes one person to change the dance. Usually we’re waiting for them to be that person.

When we do the work to stop relying on someone else for whatever we’ve been seeking from them, like permission, approval or reassurance, they tend to shift. The conversations still matter. But how you show up and relate changes things on its own.

Different Circumstances, Same Struggle

Let’s take time as another example.

If only I had a different job, or a babysitter, or a mother-in-law who could come over, I’d finally make time for myself. It’s not fair that she has all that help.

Then there’s the woman who has all of it. People are lining up to help her. But the help comes with opinions. “Did you get so much done while I was here?” It turns out her break has rules too: it’s supposed to be productive. So she’s in her own swirl: if only the help were different, I wouldn’t feel so guilty doing what I actually want instead of running to Target.

Two different situations, the same struggle. The problem isn’t really the childcare, or the lack of it.

When Victimhood Becomes the Default

At its core, the “if only” trap is a quiet form of victimhood. Taken to the extreme, it becomes a way of living where everyone else has wronged you and everyone else is to blame. I’ve seen up close what that looks like, and it’s heartbreaking.

I also know the pull toward it lives in me. When someone asks about my weekend, I’ll sometimes go straight to the worst part, the traffic or the weather, even when the weekend was great. Wait, why did I go there? Noticing that is part of the work.

Three Words on a Post-it

When I was in college, I hit a serious sophomore slump. Friends were filling out transfer applications, there was roommate drama, and I came home at Christmas in tears. I told my dad I didn’t think I liked my school and that everyone was unhappy.

He wrote three words on a Post-it note: Own your experience.

Those three words are probably a big part of why I’m doing this work today.

Owning your experience doesn’t mean pretending things are fine. It means you stop waiting for your circumstances to change and take ownership of how you relate to them. That does three things:

1. It changes your lens. You see the same situation differently, and that changes how it feels to live it.
2. It changes how you advocate for yourself. You can say, “You’re allowed to be upset that I’m taking a weekend away, and I’m still going. I don’t need your permission.”
3. It’s bigger than you. Zoom out and you’ll see this is the collective feminine journey. It’s about owning our own experience instead of having it dictated or controlled by someone else.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

I recorded this episode on a walk, and I nearly didn’t get out the door. We have a new puppy, and I’ve been more or less on house arrest. I could have blamed the puppy and felt sorry for myself.

Instead, when my sister-in-law was over, I asked, “Is there any chance I could get out for a quick power walk?” She said, “Absolutely, go for it.”

I didn’t wait for permission. I trusted our relationship enough to ask for what I needed, and to trust that she’d say no if it didn’t work for her.

That’s the person I’ve had to become: someone who asks for what she needs so she can show up as the mom, the woman and the human who feels good.

So here’s my invitation. Notice your “if only.” Get curious about the pattern underneath it. Then take one small step toward owning your experience.

Let’s get out of victimhood together.

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