Photo by Barbara Olsen

What’s Your Relationship Status With Your Body?

Remember when Facebook let you set a relationship status? Single. In a relationship. It’s complicated.

I’d like you to pick one for your relationship with your body. Take a breath and notice what comes up. It might be instant, or you might need a moment.

After years of working with mothers and women, I can tell you that I very rarely meet someone whose answer is “healthy” or “loving.” Far more often it’s complicated, critical, frustrated, resistant or uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s outright hateful.

If that’s you, I want you to hear this first: it isn’t a personal failing. It’s programming.

Three Questions to Start With

Before we talk about change, let’s get a baseline. I’d like you to reflect on three layers.

1. What is your relationship with your body right now? Be honest. Nobody else is reading your answer.

2. What relationship do you want your daughter to have with her body? If you’re raising a girl, you’re probably working hard on this already. You choose your words carefully, you talk about strong bodies, and you avoid criticizing food or weight in front of her. Now compare your answer to question one. Do the two match? Are you living in the relationship you’re trying so hard to give her?

3. What was modeled for you? Think about your mom, or whichever women were most present when you were growing up. How did she talk about her body? What did she avoid, like swimsuits, photos or certain clothes? Some of the women I work with had mothers who were openly critical: “You’ve gained weight.” “Don’t eat that.” “That doesn’t look good on you.” Those comments about a daughter’s body almost always mirror the relationship a mother has with her own.

Your relationship with your body today is a product of that programming, and you took it in as a kid, before you had any say in it.

Where My Programming Came From

I’ll share a couple of my own moments.

When I was a young teen, we drove to Long Island to visit my grandmother. I remember exactly what I was wearing: a purple V-neck Express T-shirt and Guess jeans so tight they once gave me a stomachache at school. I hadn’t seen her in months. She opened the door, and the first thing she said was, “Oh, you’re fat.”

My dad looked at me and said, “Do not listen to her, Sarah.” But of course that stayed with me. It lives in my body.

Around the same age, I was a competitive gymnast. I was one of two girls who had to ride the bike at the end of practice because we were “heavier,” or “big boned,” as everyone liked to say. I will never forget it.

Then there was my mom, who got visibly uncomfortable in clothes and swimsuits and was always trying to get smaller. When I got my first period, she handed me a box of Tampax, shut the door and said, “Good luck.” She was doing the best she could with the tools she had. Still, the message I took in was that this was something to hide and deal with alone.

Add a culture that is very clear about what it thinks of women’s bodies, and you can see how deep this goes.

It Is Reprogrammable

Here’s what I want you to know. All of that self-hate, self-criticism and distrust, and not feeling safe in your own skin, can be reprogrammed.

I’m living proof. I recently went through old boxes of journals and photo albums, and I could see how uncomfortable I was in my own skin on so many of those pages. I have a lot of compassion for that version of me.

Today I’m 44, in perimenopause, with two kids behind me, and my relationship status with my body is loving. It’s appreciative and trusting, and most of all it’s built on respect. That didn’t happen by accident. It came from rewiring.

What You Model Speaks Louder Than What You Say

This is the part that matters most for our daughters.

Kids co-regulate to us. What they pick up from our bodies, like how we move, react and carry ourselves, carries far more weight than our words. They notice how we act when we try on clothes and how we look at ourselves in the mirror.

Just a couple of weeks ago, one of my girls asked, “Mom, are you pregnant?” My physical reaction in that moment was the real message, far more than anything I said afterward.

We can say all the right things. If our bodies are showing shame, that’s what they’ll learn.

Your Only Forever Home

Everything in life is impermanent. Your body is the one relationship guaranteed to last as long as you’re alive. It is your only forever home.

That’s why changing our name from the School of MOM to the Home of Mothering Ourselves Mindfully felt so emotional for me. The ultimate home of mothering ourselves mindfully is our bodies. That’s where it begins.

We didn’t choose the bodies we were given. We do get to choose how we relate to them.

I’ll be honest: this isn’t a perfect science. Even with the healthiest modeling at home, culture and social media will reach our kids. I’m already watching it happen with my daughters. What I can do is make what they see at home strong enough to push back against the rest.

Rewiring For Something

In REWIRE we do two things at once. We work with the old pattern, and we get clear on what we’re rewiring for.

Picture something specific: standing in front of the mirror, pinching your belly, comparing yourself to someone else, that automatic wave of judgment. Now imagine a different automatic response kicking in, one that’s warm and respectful and lets you feel good in your own skin.

Then imagine your daughter having that too.

Yes, this work is for you, and it’s also for the whole line of women who come after you.

If your relationship with your body is something you struggle with, or you’re determined to give your daughter something different from what you were handed, REWIRE is for you. Learn more HERE.