Photo by Sarah Chai

Stuck Choosing the “Right” Pattern? That’s the Pattern

I recorded this week’s episode on a walk. I’d forgotten all my recording gear, so I talked into my phone like a voice note, waving my hands around in the middle of the road. I couldn’t wait to get home, because something keeps coming up in conversations with women joining Rewire and I needed to talk about it.

It’s this: “I don’t know which pattern to choose.”

“Should I focus on this one? Or that one? What’s the right one?”

Here’s the thing I can’t stop thinking about. That question is a pattern.

The Pattern Behind the Pattern

Rewire is a small, focused group where we work on one pattern together. Some of the most common ones women bring are anxiety, wanting to be a calmer mom, self-criticism, resisting this season of life, and avoiding big emotions.

But on the registration form, more than a few women wrote some version of “I don’t know. I’m going to need help picking.”

If we zoom out and look at ourselves trying to pick the right pattern, we may find the most important one of all. It’s the need to get it right, to do it perfectly. And it doesn’t stay in one corner of our lives. It shows up everywhere:

Am I doing motherhood right? Am I parenting this kid right? Am I doing perimenopause right? Am I doing life right?

Self-doubt and anxiety tend to come along with it. That swirl can be exhausting, and sometimes it’s paralyzing.

How You Relate to Change Shows You What Needs Changing

The way you respond to the invitation to rewire can tell you a lot. Just reading about a program like this might bring up:

• Time: “I really feel time scarcity. I don’t know how to make time for myself.”
• Money: “Even though we have the money, I have rules about what I’m allowed to invest in.”
• Self-trust: “What if this doesn’t change anything? What if it’s just another thing I sign up for and don’t follow through on?”

That last one comes up a lot. And the very thing that’s coming up as you consider rewiring is often the thing most worth rewiring.

It’s Not About the Content. It’s About the Process.

I learned a line from Lynn Lyons, who has done wonderful work on anxiety, and it has stayed with me: it’s not about the content, it’s about the process.

Anxiety will always find something to focus on: flying, health, sleepovers, something happening to your kid. COVID showed this so clearly. So many of my clients said, “What was I even anxious about before this?”

That’s because anxiety is a process. It’s a pattern that lives in you. And that’s why the specific pattern you pick matters less than you think. The process of noticing, understanding, and rewiring is the same.

This Isn’t Beginner Work

I want to be honest about this. Rewire is not for someone brand new to self-awareness. It’s roll-your-sleeves-up work for women who already have some understanding of how their mind works and are ready to go deeper.

One of the reasons women keep coming back to our community year after year is that they don’t get these kinds of conversations anywhere else. We joke that we barely know the names of each other’s partners or kids, yet we’ve seen into each other’s souls. These relationships are rare, and they are so nourishing.

“I’ll Do It Later”

Someone asked on our registration page whether we’ll run Rewire again. Yes, we will. But I’d gently ask: what’s going on with that question for you?

Is now really not a good time? Or is there never a good time to put yourself first?

Whether or not you sign up, I invite you to notice what comes up as you read this. Get curious. Bring some wonder to it. Wow, what is that pattern that shows up so automatically?

What Are You Rewiring For?

Here’s what I’m rewiring right now: I can go straight to the worst-case scenario. It runs in my family. My mom sees the glass half empty, and my dad is the eternal optimist. I don’t want to be naive, but I do want to start expecting the best possible outcome.

So what if, instead of “What if I don’t get what I want out of this?” you asked, “What if this is the best thing I ever did? What if I trust this is the next right step on my journey as a cycle-breaking mom?”

If I could rename this program, I’d call it Rewire for Flourishing. And by flourishing I don’t mean being happy all the time. Flourishing means you’re angry and you’re sad, but you’re feeling it, trusting it, and embracing your full experience as a human being.

I’m no electrician, but here’s how I picture it. If you want to put a new light switch in an old house, you may first have to clear out some tangled old wiring. That’s the work we do in Rewire. But I don’t want you to focus only on the tangle. Picture the new light exactly where you want it, on a dimmer, turning on easily.

When I moved into my new house and couldn’t decide where anything in the kitchen should go, a friend told me, “Consider it done.”

So consider it done. Picture yourself on the other side of this, having gotten exactly what you needed. Your rewiring is inevitable, because you’re surrounding yourself with people who are in the process with you, and you have the support to see it through.

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Ready to rewire? Join us HERE, or book a call and see if it’s the right fit.

🎧 Listen to the full episode on The School of MOM podcast.

💬 What’s coming up for you? Send me a voice note. I’d love to hear from you.