Photo by Artem Podrez

The Surprising Science of Happiness (And Why “I’ll Be Happy When…” Is a Trap)

I used to fall into the happiness trap that I would feel happy when…. when I checked the right boxes. When I got my master’s degree. When I landed the perfect job. When I moved to a warmer climate.

Spoiler alert: I got all those things, and while there were moments of joy, that sustained happiness I was chasing? It kept slipping away.

My fascination with the chase of happiness led me to dive deep into the science of happiness as a young mental health clinician. And what I discovered completely changed how I approach wellbeing—not just for myself, but for the mothers I work with every day.

The Happiness Equation You Need to Know

Here’s what the research tells us about happiness, and it might surprise you:

50% of your happiness is genetic. You have a set point, inherited from your parents. Before you panic about having inherited your mother’s pessimism or your father’s tendency toward depression, here’s the good news: epigenetics matters. The environment you create, the people you surround yourself with, and the practices you engage in can actually influence which genes get expressed.

10% of your happiness is circumstantial. Yes, you read that right. Only 10%. All those “I’ll be happy when…” thoughts? The new house, the promotion, the warmer climate, the perfect relationship? They account for just a sliver of your actual happiness.

40% of your happiness is completely within your control—determined by your daily habits and practices.

When I co-founded Project 40 at Wentworth Institute of Technology (a happiness initiative that won a college association award), we focused entirely on that 40%. Because that’s where real, sustainable change happens.

Why We’re Terrible at Predicting Happiness

There’s a term in psychology called “affective forecasting”—it’s our ability to predict our future feelings. And here’s the kicker: humans are remarkably bad at it.

We think we’ll be happy when we get the promotion, move to the beach town, or buy the new car. And yes, there’s usually an initial boost. But then something called “hedonic adaptation” kicks in. We adapt to our new circumstances and return to our baseline happiness level.

Researchers have found this pattern everywhere. People who win the lottery. People who get married. People who move to their dream location. Even people who experience major accidents and life changes tend to return to their happiness set point.

I experienced this firsthand when I moved to San Diego. I had such high expectations that the endless sunshine would transform my mood. Instead, I found myself missing seasons, feeling like every day was Groundhog Day, and getting genuinely annoyed by “May Gray” and “June Gloom.”

The sunny weather—the thing I was certain would make me happier—turned out to be just another circumstantial factor that provided a temporary boost before I adapted.

The Money Question

You’ve probably heard “money can’t buy happiness.” But like most things, it’s more nuanced than that.

Research shows that money IS connected to happiness—up to a point. That point is when your basic needs are met: food, shelter, safety, security. Once you cross that threshold, more money doesn’t automatically equal more happiness.

However (and this is important), WHERE you spend your money matters tremendously. Spending on experiences that incorporate the happiness strategies we’re about to discuss? That can absolutely contribute to your wellbeing. Spending on the latest shiny thing hoping it will fill a void? That’s just feeding the hedonic adaptation cycle.

The 13 Science-Backed Strategies That Actually Work

Here’s what I love about these strategies: none of them will surprise you. You probably already know most of them are “good for you.” But in the happiness space, we talk a lot about the gap between what you know is good for you and what you’re actually doing.

That gap? That’s where the work is.

1. Mindfulness – This is the foundation woven through everything else. Without awareness, none of the other strategies can take root.

2. Gratitude – Not just thinking grateful thoughts, but actively expressing gratitude and maintaining a practice.

3. Nurturing Relationships – Being intentional about who you spend time with. You’re the product of the people you surround yourself with.

4. Savoring Life’s Joys – Slowing down enough to really savor moments, like you’d savor a delicious meal.

5. Finding Meaning – Looking for opportunities for growth in every experience. This doesn’t mean “everything happens for a reason,” but rather that life is happening FOR us, not TO us.

6. Developing Healthier Coping Strategies – What do you reach for when stressed? The phone scroll? The holiday cookies? There are more nourishing options.

7. Avoiding Overthinking and Social Comparison – Especially around the holidays when everyone’s highlight reel is on display.

8. Practicing Compassion and Self-Compassion – I always say: all roads lead to self-compassion. I’ve never met a mom who scores high on self-compassion assessments, which tells you how much work there is to do here.

9. Leaning on Signature Strengths – Take a strengths assessment and actually USE your top strengths.

10. Forgiveness – Because forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. Holding onto resentment is toxic to your own wellbeing.

11. Flow Activities – What makes you lose track of time? (And no, scrolling doesn’t count.)

12. Taking Care of Your Body – In ways that honor your current season and stage. What felt good in your twenties might not serve you now.

13. Optimism – My dad is the eternal optimist. We even created a verb from his name: to “hollo” something means to look on the bright side.

Plus: Faith and Spirituality – Connecting to something bigger than yourself, however that looks for you.

Start Where You Are

You don’t need to implement all of these strategies at once. In fact, that’s a recipe for overwhelm and giving up entirely.

Start with fit. Which strategy resonates with you right now? Which one feels doable given your current life circumstances?

Maybe it’s as simple as lying in bed each night and reflecting on three things you’re grateful for. Maybe it’s committing to one walk outside each week. Maybe it’s finally taking that strengths assessment you’ve been meaning to do.

The point isn’t perfection. The point is closing that gap between what you know is good for you and what you’re actually doing.

Because that 40%? That’s where your power lives. That’s where lasting happiness gets built—one small, intentional practice at a time.

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Want to dive deeper into these practices? Join the waitlist for The School of MOM, where we integrate mindfulness, self-compassion, and science-backed wellbeing strategies specifically tailored for mothers.