What Do I Actually Need? Finding the Root of Motherhood Struggles

As mothers, we often find ourselves asking a simple yet profoundly complex and often daunting question: “What do I actually need?”  We’re overwhelmed, exhausted, perhaps resentful, and desperate for clear solutions. We want the equivalent of an algebra equation—input A + B to get result C—a neat, tidy answer to our messy human struggles. And often just want someone else to just tell us what to do!

But as I’ve discovered through both my professional work supporting mothers and my personal health journey, what we need is rarely found in quick fixes or surface-level solutions.

Looking Beneath the Surface

For years, I struggled with knee issues that began in college with a meniscus tear. Despite multiple surgeries and years of physical therapy (among other treatments), the problem persisted. What shocked me was that throughout two decades of treatment, not a single healthcare provider asked me to take off my shoes to examine my feet—the foundation that my knees depend on.

It wasn’t until I began exploring biomechanics through yoga and discovered the work of movement specialist Katie Bowman that I realized my bunions (affectionately named “Paul” and “Babe Bunion” by my brother) were actually the root cause of my knee problems. By addressing my foot health, and my body biomechanics, my knee stability and symptoms have improved dramatically.

This experience taught me a valuable lesson: what we need isn’t always obvious, and the solution might be found by looking “north, south, east, or west” of the problem.

The Body Speaks What the Mind Won’t Say

During the pandemic, my body began sending more urgent messages. I developed significant gut issues and was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition called lichen sclerosis. The conventional medical approach offered antibiotics to “reset” my gut bacteria—essentially a band-aid solution to a complex problem.

When I eventually consulted with a functional medicine nutritionist, she revealed something that was hard to hear but the truth: “Sarah, we can do all the supplements and diet changes to heal your gut, but nothing will be effective if you don’t address your stress and cortisol levels.”

I didn’t think I was stressed, but my body knew otherwise. My gut issues, autoimmune flare-ups, and menstrual problems were all manifestations of a deeper issue—my nervous system was on overdrive.

The Mother Matrix: Programming That Runs Our Lives

This brings me to what I believe is one answer to the question “What do I need?” for most of us: We need to understand what’s happening in our nervous systems and examine the programming that drives 90-95% of our experience.

Our subconscious minds—shaped by our lineage, family dynamics, cultural expectations, and larger systems like patriarchy and capitalism—live in our bodies as imprints in our nervous systems. I call this “The Mother Matrix,” and it influences everything from our health to our ability to set boundaries and prioritize self-care.

Take autoimmune conditions, which affect a staggering percentage of women. Yes, I need the topical steroid that helps manage my symptoms, but what I really need is to understand why my immune system is on overdrive in the first place.

Similarly, if you struggle with making time for yourself or feel overwhelmed by motherhood’s demands, you might think you just need more practical support—a housecleaner, better childcare arrangements, or a more helpful partner. While these resources can provide relief, they don’t address the deeper programming that makes it so difficult for women to prioritize themselves without guilt or shame.

Regulation Before Solution

When our nervous systems are dysregulated and stuck in survival mode, we can’t even make clear decisions about what we need. This is why a fundamental and universal answer to “What do I need?” is a regulated nervous system.

From this grounded place, we can better discern which specific supports will truly help us thrive. Sometimes we do need that housecleaner or couples therapist, but it helps to make those decisions from a centered state rather than a reactive one.

The Path Forward

In The School of MOM, particularly through our program FLOURISH and our Mother Matrix series, we guide women to tend to their nervous systems as the foundation for addressing all other needs. This isn’t about ignoring practical solutions or avoiding medical care—it’s about complementing those approaches by healing at the root.

When we regulate our nervous systems, everything improves. We make better decisions, we’re more present with our children, we advocate more effectively for our health, and we create space for our own needs without the weight of guilt.

So the next time you find yourself wondering in desperation “What do I actually need?”, take a moment to check in with your body (or get the support from someone who helps you to dialogue with your body!). Are you operating from a place of regulation or dysregulation? The answer might not be as straightforward as you’d like, but this exploration is the beginning of true healing.

Rather than bouncing from one quick fix to another, what if the path forward involves slowing down and getting curious about the root causes of your struggles? In my experience, both personally and professionally, this is where lasting transformation begins.