Breaking Holiday Patterns: A Mindful Approach to Setting Boundaries During the Season

As the holiday season approaches, many of us find ourselves caught in familiar patterns. Maybe you’re overbuying gifts again despite promising yourself you wouldn’t, or perhaps you’re saying “yes” to hosting despite your inner voice screaming for a break. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone – and more importantly, there’s a deeper reason why these patterns persist despite our best intentions to change them.

The Hidden Driver of Holiday Stress

Here’s a surprising fact: 90-95% of our human experience is driven by our subconscious and unconscious mind. This means that while we’re consciously making lists, planning events, and trying to set boundaries, there’s a much more powerful force at work beneath the surface.

Think about it like this: our brains are wired for efficiency and safety. We naturally gravitate toward predictable patterns because predictability equals safety in our nervous system’s language. This is why you might find yourself repeating the same holiday patterns year after year, even when they don’t serve you well.

A New Approach: The Living Meditation

Instead of beating yourself up about falling into old patterns, I invite you to try something different this holiday season: treat it as a living, breathing meditation. This means bringing conscious awareness to your patterns without immediate pressure to change them.

Start by asking yourself questions like:

• What’s really happening when I feel compelled to overbook my schedule?
• How is my people-pleasing tendency actually trying to keep me safe?
• What would it feel like in my body to say “no” to hosting this year?

The Root of Real Change

While books like “Atomic Habits” offer valuable insights into habit change, there’s a crucial piece missing from most conventional approaches. We can’t think our way into new patterns – we need to feel our way there through our nervous system.

Let’s take boundary-setting as an example. Instead of focusing solely on what to say or do, ask yourself:

• How is not setting boundaries keeping me safe on some level?
• Who do I need to become to hold the boundaries I desire?
• What needs to feel different in my body to maintain these boundaries?

The Nature of Transformation

Just as you can’t force a sapling to grow faster by yelling at it, you can’t rush your own transformation. We are nature, and like all natural processes, change takes time and proper nourishment at the root level.

This is why quick-fix solutions often fall short. Real change requires:

1. Making the unconscious conscious through mindful observation
2. Understanding your nervous system’s role in maintaining patterns
3. Creating safety in your body around new ways of being
4. Giving yourself time to grow and integrate changes

Moving Forward

As you navigate this holiday season, remember that the goal isn’t to perfect your boundaries or completely transform your patterns overnight. Instead, use this time as an opportunity to observe yourself with curiosity and compassion.

Notice when you fall into familiar patterns, but rather than judging yourself, ask: “What’s this all about? What’s happening here?” This conscious awareness is the first step toward meaningful change.

Remember, sustainable transformation isn’t about forcing new behaviors through willpower alone. It’s about creating new patterns that feel safe and natural to your nervous system. This might mean becoming someone who feels secure even when others are disappointed, or someone who can maintain self-acceptance without external validation.

The Path to Lasting Change

As you move through this holiday season and beyond, consider this approach to transformation:

• Observe your patterns with curiosity rather than judgment
• Notice how your body feels in different situations
• Explore what feels safe and unsafe about potential changes
• Give yourself permission to grow at your own pace

By understanding and working with your nervous system rather than against it, you can create lasting changes that feel natural and sustainable. This holiday season can be the beginning of a new relationship with yourself – one that honors both your desires for change and your need for safety and security.