Photo by kaboompics

A windy day, an unfiltered thought, and a word that needed to go.

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Let me start with a confession.

I’ve used the word regulated a lot. I’ve talked about being a regulated mom, raising kids in a regulated home, and building a regulated nervous system. And I meant all of it — in the truest, most clinical sense of the word.

But something has shifted.

On a particularly windy morning, after a heated exchange with my husband and a group call where another mom voiced the exact same quiet frustration I’d been carrying, I realized I’m done with the word regulated. And I think you might be too.

What “Regulated” Was Supposed to Mean

To be clear: the nervous system science hasn’t changed. A regulated nervous system doesn’t mean a calm one. It means a flexible one — a nervous system that can move into sympathetic activation or shutdown states when needed, and then return to a place of grounded, connected safety. That’s not the same as being serene and unruffled 24/7.

That distinction matters. And it’s also exactly the problem.

Because when most people hear the word regulated, they don’t hear “flexible and responsive.” They hear: contained. Controlled. Quiet. Manageable.

And as a woman living in this country right now, as a mother of daughters, the word regulated — applied to a female body — has become something I want no part of.

The Morning That Changed Everything

That morning, I had a very human, very imperfect argument with my husband. The kind where one thing leads to another and suddenly there are doors shutting and the words you always need to get the last word hanging in the air.

I drove to my pelvic floor appointment feeling frustrated — not just with him, but with myself. Because underneath the actual conflict, there was this secondary layer quietly running: Why am I not more regulated? I teach this. I should be better at this.

And then, a few hours later, I got on a group call and a mom described the exact same thing. The spiral of: I want to fix it, what role am I playing, am I the problem, why can’t I just be more regulated?

My blood was boiling.

Not because the question is wrong. But because of what’s underneath it: the deeply conditioned belief that we — women, mothers — are supposed to be the ones who hold it together. That our anger is too much. That our emotions are erratic. That heaven forbid we lose our temper or take up too much emotional space, people won’t take us seriously.

We have been programmed to believe we need to keep our voices calm and soothing and be the voices of reason. And I am done sending that message — to other moms, and to myself.

What I Want Instead

So if not regulated — then what?

The answer came to me clearly: flourished.

Your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They don’t need a regulated mom. They need a flourished mom.

A flourished mom is lit up by what she’s passionate about. She’s walking in alignment with her values. She unapologetically feels her feelings — including the big, messy, inconvenient ones. She might be “too much” sometimes. She might be “too emotional.” And she’s made peace with that, because she knows that the full spectrum of her humanity is not a liability. It’s the point.

The Flourished Mother is an archetype we work with deeply inside The School of MOM — and she has a few distinct flavors:

The Mindful Gardner has a genuine mindfulness practice. She can be a kind witness to herself — all parts of herself — and moves through life with both tender and fierce self-compassion.

The Boundary Boss is clear and unapologetic about what she needs to thrive. She knows her boundaries aren’t just preferences — they’re requirements. And yes, sometimes she pisses people off with them. That’s the whole point.

The Rest Queen & Pleasure Goddess has stopped treating rest and pleasure as things she has to earn. She knows they are key ingredients in her flourishing — not rewards for productivity, but necessities for a life that actually feels good.

The Cyclical Celebrator trusts the seasons. Of nature, of the moon, of her own body. She doesn’t shame herself for the winters — the slower seasons, the quieter chapters — because she knows they’re what make the springs possible. She’s not behind. She’s just in a different season.

Permission to Let Go

If you’ve been working overtime to be the regulated one — in your marriage, with your kids, in your life — I want to offer you something.

You can put that down.

Not because nervous system work doesn’t matter. It does, deeply. But because the goal of regulation — particularly as it gets filtered through the lens of what women are supposed to be — can quietly become another form of self-suppression. Another way we make ourselves smaller and more palatable and less inconvenient to others.

I still believe in what I teach. I’ll always talk about being grounded, sturdy, present. But I want to be unmistakably clear: that includes being fully alive. Lit up. Angry when there’s something worth being angry about. Passionate and loud and human.

So I’m replacing regulated with flourished. For myself, for my daughters, and for this community.

I don’t want to be regulated. I want to be flourished.

And I wonder — what word might be waiting for you?

Ready to start your own journey toward flourishing? Download the Flourished Mother Starter Kit— five nervous system practices to begin awakening your inner Flourished Mother. Have something to share after listening? Send Sarah a voice note HERE.