Photo by Alex Green

You’re Not Failing as a Mom — You’re Overpacked

A conversation with Leslie Forde, author of Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs

---

Have you ever gotten to 9am and felt like your brain had already been through a shredder?

You’ve navigated breakfast choices, outfit negotiations, a last-minute permission slip, a packed bag, a forgotten water bottle — and you haven’t even opened your laptop yet. By the time you sit down to do your actual work, or tend to your own needs, there’s almost nothing left.

This isn’t weakness. It’s not poor time management. And it is absolutely not your fault.

In Episode 80 of The School of Mom podcast, I sat down with Leslie Forde — researcher, founder of Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs®, and author of Repair with Self-Care — to talk about the invisible forces quietly draining moms, and why the research tells a very different story than the one we’ve been telling ourselves.

---

Meet the Three Ghosts

Leslie calls them ghosts because they sneak up on you. You don’t see them coming, but you feel them — in the brain fog, the overwhelm, the sense that you’re doing everything and still falling behind.

Mental load is the one we’ve heard most about — the invisible cognitive work of tracking, planning, and managing the household. It’s remembering the dentist appointment, the playdate, the camp registration deadline, the fact that you’re running out of sunscreen.

Decision fatigue compounds it. Research shows we have a biological limit to how many decisions we can make in a single day. Once that budget is spent, the quality of our thinking drops. And if you’re spending your decision budget on breakfast choices and outfit negotiations before 8am, there isn’t much left for the work that actually matters to you — or for yourself.

Time scarcity is the third ghost, and Leslie draws on compelling research to explain its impact: whether you’re experiencing scarcity of food, money, or time, the effect on your brain is the same. You lose clarity. You lose perspective. You scramble. And like so many moms, you probably assume it’s a personal failing rather than a structural reality.

Leslie offers a metaphor that stopped me in my tracks: imagine packing for a trip with a tiny suitcase. Scarcity forces different choices. But for moms, the suitcase is shared — and by the time everyone else’s needs are packed in, there’s barely room for one strappy sandal.

It’s not that you’re bad at taking care of yourself. It’s that there has been no space left.

---

The Health Data We Can’t Ignore

This isn’t just about feeling tired. The health implications are serious, and Leslie doesn’t shy away from them.

Women live nine fewer healthy years than their male counterparts. Eighty percent of autoimmune disease sufferers are women. Postpartum suicide is a leading cause of maternal death. Mothers doing paid work are, on average, managing the equivalent of two to three full-time jobs.

And yet, as Leslie notes, the entire healthspan and longevity movement has largely been built around men — biohacking, cold plunging, optimising. Meanwhile, moms are folding the laundry and filling out the camp forms.

The good news? The research is shifting. Menopause science is finally getting the attention it deserves. And the data is clear on something else, too: the number one predictor of a child’s health and happiness is their mother’s health and happiness. Not their extracurriculars. Not their screen time. Their mother’s wellbeing.

That’s not a guilt trip. It’s a permission slip.

---

What You Can Actually Do

Leslie is a researcher at heart, but she’s also deeply practical. Some of what she shares:

Protect your decision budget. Push routine, low-stakes decisions — meals, clothing, grocery orders — to the evenings or systematise them entirely. Save your sharpest thinking for the work and relationships that matter most.

Understand that rituals reduce the tax on your brain. When something becomes automatic, it no longer drains your cognitive reserves. The more you can operationalise, the more space you reclaim.

Recognise that boundaries need fierce defending. Leslie is honest: the people in your life will often push right past them. Which means you have to be clear — with yourself first — that your health is not a luxury or a reward. It is the foundation everything else rests on.

---

About Leslie Forde

Leslie Forde is the CEO and Founder of Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs® and author of Repair with Self-Care: Your Guide to the Mom’s Hierarchy of Needs. Since March 2020, over 3,700 parents have participated in her research study — the longest-running of its kind — on the pandemic’s ongoing impact on work, care, and wellness.

With over 20 years in senior leadership and a decade focused on media and technology in childcare, eldercare, mental health, and education, Leslie advises organisations including HubSpot, Merck, Scholastic, and the Barr Foundation. Her insights on wellbeing, equity, and the future of work have appeared in the Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, CNN, National Geographic, Fast Company, US News & World Report, SHRM, and more.

Find Leslie at momshierarchyofneeds.com and connect with her on Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Pinterest | Twitter/X

---

Listen to the Full Episode

If this resonated with you, I’d love for you to listen to the full conversation with Leslie on Episode 80 of The School of Mom podcast. We go deep on the three ghosts, the suitcase metaphor, why moms have been left out of the healthspan movement, and what it actually looks like to start putting yourself back in the suitcase.

🎙️ Want to share something with me after listening? Send me a voice note here: SpeakPipe — Send a voice message to The School of Mom