Photo by Craig Adderley

As mothers, we’ve all heard the well-meaning advice: “You need to fill your own cup first” and “Put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” While these phrases sound logical, many of us struggle to actually implement them. If you’ve ever felt like popular self-care advice just doesn’t resonate with your maternal experience, you’re not alone—and there’s a good reason why.

The Problem with “Filling Your Own Cup”

The cup metaphor is fundamentally flawed because it’s prescriptive and limiting. A cup has boundaries, rules about how much it can hold, and implies there’s a “right” amount of nourishment you’re allowed to receive. As mothers, we don’t need more restrictions on our self-care—we need permission to receive unlimited nourishment.

Marketing expert Simone Grace Seol puts it perfectly: “You’re not an inert plastic object. Put away the cup and think of yourself more like a tree instead.”

Consider how a tree operates in nature. Does a tree ever say, “I’ve had enough sunlight for today, I shouldn’t take anymore”? Does it block itself from rain because another tree might be thirsty? Absolutely not. A tree unapologetically takes in every photon of light, every drop of water, and every nutrient it needs because thriving is coded in its DNA.

Why the Oxygen Mask Analogy Falls Short

The “put your oxygen mask on first” advice assumes we’re making rational, measured decisions in calm moments. But here’s the thing – when we’re truly in crisis mode, our maternal biology takes over. If a bus were about to hit your child, you wouldn’t jump out of the way first. You’d jump in front to protect them because that’s what our protective instincts dictate.

The oxygen mask metaphor is based on a literal emergency, but motherhood isn’t actually lived in constant crisis. The problem is that we’re living as if it is. We’ve become so accustomed to survival mode that everything feels urgent, everything feels like a crisis, making it nearly impossible to access the discernment needed for true self-care.

The Real Issue: Living in Survival Mode

When we’re operating from survival mode 95% of the time, our subconscious programming drives our decisions. This programming runs deep and includes not just protective maternal instincts, but also survival patterns connected to shame, worthiness, and anxiety. In this state, our biology will put our needs on the back burner every single time.

This is why we can logically understand that we need to take care of ourselves to better care for our families, yet still struggle to actually do it. We’re trying to apply crisis-mode advice to everyday situations while our nervous system remains activated and hypervigilant.

The Tree Metaphor: A Revolutionary Approach

Instead of cups and oxygen masks, let’s embrace the tree metaphor. When a tree grows big and strong by taking in everything it needs, here’s what happens:

• It produces oxygen for every living thing to breathe
• Its strong roots break up compacted soil so other plants can grow
• It creates shade and shelter for countless creatures
• Its fallen leaves feed the forest floor
• Its very presence makes the entire ecosystem stronger and more resilient

This is what happens when mothers truly nourish themselves. Your wellbeing becomes your family’s wellbeing. Your health becomes your community’s health. There’s no zero-sum game here—no choosing between your needs and theirs.

Moving Beyond Survival Mode

To access the tree-like state of unapologetic nourishment, we need to:

Get to know your inner selves. We all have parts of us that live in survival states—the inner anxiety, the over-planner, the perfectionist, the inner critic. These parts drive our decisions and keep us stuck in patterns of self-neglect. Learning to recognize and mother these parts with curious, kind attention is essential.

Tend to your nervous system. We need to actively work to get out of survival mode through practices that help us downregulate and access our safety state—that place where we feel connected, grounded, and able to pause before reacting.

Question the root cause. Instead of constantly trying to convince ourselves to do self-care, let’s examine why we’re struggling with it in the first place. Often, it’s because we’re operating from activated states that prioritize everyone else’s needs above our own.

Creating Real Change

True transformation happens when we stop fighting our biology and start working with it. This means:

• Recognizing that you are nature, just like that unapologetic tree
• Giving yourself permission to receive unlimited nourishment without guilt
• Understanding that your thriving creates conditions for everyone around you to thrive
• Taking time to slow down and examine which parts of yourself are driving your decisions

The Path Forward

If traditional self-care advice hasn’t been working for you, it’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because you’re trying to apply emergency protocols to everyday life while living in a constant state of activation.

The invitation is to step into your role as the tree in your family’s ecosystem. Take in the sunlight, water, and nutrients you need—not because you’ve “earned” it or completed your to-do list, but because thriving is your natural state. When you’re truly nourished, you naturally become a source of oxygen, shelter, and strength for everyone in your world.

Your family doesn’t need you to put your oxygen mask on first. They need you to be the tree—deeply rooted, fully nourished, and naturally generous in your abundance.

Ready to explore which inner parts might be keeping you stuck in survival mode? Take the quiz at https://theschoolofmom.com/quiz to identify your dominant patterns and begin the journey toward tree-like nourishment.