Photo by cottonbro studio

“Not taking care of yourself is what’s actually selfish.”

This statement might feel confronting, especially if you’re a mom who’s been programmed to believe that prioritizing yourself is somehow wrong. But what if I told you that the opposite is true? What if neglecting your own needs is actually the selfish choice?

The Integration Journey: Why Healing Takes Time

As mothers, we often expect instant results from our self-care efforts. We do a meditation, attend a therapy session, or read a self-help book and wonder why we don’t feel transformed. But here’s the truth that our productivity-obsessed culture doesn’t want to acknowledge: our bodies are nature, and change happens in seasons, not overnight.

The healing work we do – whether it’s somatic therapy, self-compassion practices, or simply learning to be present -takes time to integrate. Think of it like a garden. The seeds you plant today won’t bloom tomorrow. You have to tend to the soil, pull out the weeds, and nurture growth over time. Only then do you see the fruits of your labor.

This is especially true for women. While a male hormonal cycle is 24 hours, ours is approximately 28 days. In a year, we only experience 12 complete cycles. That’s not many opportunities for processing and integration when you think about it. We need space and time to let our healing work take hold.

The Reality of Joyful Moments: Why We Need Time Away

Recently, I asked my community to share pictures from their summer that brought them genuine joy. The responses revealed something fascinating: most of the joyful moments involved two common elements – nature and no children present.

This isn’t because we don’t love our kids or enjoy time with them. It’s because we need to be honest about the conditions that support us in feeling peaceful, grounded states. We need to acknowledge that to be fully present and engaged mothers, we must also be intentional about creating time and space away from our children.

When we’re constantly in caretaking mode, we lose touch with our own sensory experience. We’re not noticing what we’re seeing, hearing, smelling, or feeling on our skin. We’re not present to the lapping of water on our feet or the scent of ocean air because we’re focused on our children’s dirty laundry and endless chatter.

The Upward Spiral of Self-Care

Here’s what happens when you prioritize just 10 minutes a day for yourself: everything builds on itself. If you take a 10-minute mindful walk, you might be more likely to put your phone down earlier that evening. Better sleep leads to better choices the next day, which leads to more energy for the things that truly nourish you.

Conversely, when you choose scrolling over something that actually rejuvenates you, that pattern breeds more of the same. You stay stuck in cycles that leave you depleted and resentful.

The 10 minutes isn’t just about the practice itself, it’s about the pattern interrupt. It’s about consciously choosing to tend to yourself the way you tend to everyone else in your life.

Why Community Matters in Self-Care

One of the biggest myths we’ve been sold is that we should be able to figure everything out on our own. This false belief isn’t just untrue, it’s literally killing us. It keeps us trapped in resentment, frustration, burnout, and anger.

We’re not meant to do this alone. When we come together in community around shared intentions, magic happens. There’s accountability, inspiration, and the motivation that comes from knowing others are on the same journey. It’s the difference between trying to maintain a practice in isolation and having a support system that keeps you going when motivation wanes.

The Nervous System Reality

In our current world, with constant input, noise, and stress, our nervous systems are perpetually activated. Add traumatic news events, and many of us find ourselves in a freeze or shutdown state – our body’s way of saying it can’t sustain the heightened anxiety anymore.

When we’re in survival mode, whether that’s fight, flight, or freeze, we can’t help anyone effectively. We can’t be present for our children, support our partners, or contribute meaningfully to causes we care about. Taking time to consciously drop our shoulders, release our jaw, and take deep breaths isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity.

Redefining Selfish

If you’re passionate about social justice, if you want to be a compassionate presence for your family, if you desire to make a positive impact in the world, then taking care of yourself isn’t optional. You are the instrument through which all of this flows. A burned-out, depleted, resentful version of yourself serves no one well.

This is why the statement “self-care is selfish” is so backwards. What’s actually selfish is showing up depleted, reactive, and overwhelmed for the people who need you most. What’s selfish is modeling for your children that their needs don’t matter, that rest isn’t valuable, that running on empty is somehow virtuous.

Starting Where You Are

Whether this is a “begin” or “begin again” moment for you, both are equally valid. The fresh start energy of fall, combined with the disruption of summer routines, creates the perfect opportunity to establish new patterns.

Start with 10 minutes. Not 10 minutes of organizing or productivity disguised as self-care, but 10 minutes of something that truly nourishes you. A phone-free walk, gentle movement, meditation, or simply sitting outside and breathing.

Remember: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. Not taking care of yourself is what’s selfish. Your family, your community, and the world need the best version of you—and that version can only exist when you prioritize your own wellbeing alongside everyone else’s.

The question isn’t whether you have time for self-care. The question is whether you can afford not to make time for it.

Ready to start your own journey of mothering yourself first? Join our supportive community for practical tools, accountability, and the reminder that you’re not meant to do this alone.