Photo by Gustavo Fring

“I should be grateful.” How many times have you whispered this to yourself while feeling anything but thankful? If you’re a mother who’s ever battled shame because you couldn’t access gratitude for your children, your partner, or your life circumstances, you’re not alone—and more importantly, you’re not broken.

There’s an entire industry built around gratitude practices. Journals, apps, daily affirmations—all promising that if you just try harder to be thankful, you’ll feel better. But what happens when gratitude feels forced, fake, or completely out of reach?

The Biology Behind Your “Gratitude Block”

Here’s what most gratitude advice gets wrong: gratitude isn’t a discipline you can master through willpower. It’s a biological state that requires specific nervous system conditions to flow naturally.

Genuine gratitude emerges from what neuroscientists call the ventral vagal state—your nervous system’s “safety mode.” This is when you feel regulated, connected, and present in your body. When you’re in this state, appreciation and thankfulness arise spontaneously because your biology supports these feelings.

But here’s the catch: most overwhelmed mothers aren’t operating from this regulated state. Instead, we’re often stuck in survival mode—that overstressed, overstimulated place where our nervous system is focused on getting through the day, not feeling grateful for it.

Why “Should” Is Your Red Flag Word

Pay attention to that word: should. “I should be grateful my friend is going through a divorce and I’m not.” “I should appreciate my kids more—I tried so hard to get pregnant.” “I should feel thankful my husband helps, even though I’m annoyed with him.”

Every time you hear yourself say “should” around gratitude, that’s your nervous system sending up a flare: I’m not in a place where authentic appreciation can flow right now, and I’m judging myself for it.

This self-judgment actually moves you further away from the regulated state where gratitude naturally occurs. It’s like trying to fall asleep by commanding yourself to relax—the effort itself becomes the obstacle.

Your Feelings Make Perfect Biological Sense

When you can’t access gratitude, it doesn’t mean:

• You’re ungrateful or selfish
• You don’t deserve what you have
• You’re failing as a mother or partner
• Something is fundamentally wrong with your character

What it does mean is that your nervous system is giving you important information: you need support, regulation, and care before positive emotions become accessible.

Think about it this way—if I asked you to feel angry on cue right now, you probably couldn’t do it (unless something was already irritating you). Emotions aren’t performances we can summon on demand. They’re biological responses that arise from our current state of regulation and safety.

The Gratitude Gateway: From Appreciation to Authentic Thankfulness

So what can you do when gratitude feels impossible but you genuinely want to feel more connected to the good in your life?

Start with appreciation instead of gratitude. This might seem like semantics, but appreciation often feels more accessible when you’re struggling. Instead of “I’m grateful for my children” (which might feel forced), try “I appreciate this quiet moment” or “I appreciate that my coffee is still warm.”

Ask yourself: “What do I have right now that I actually want?” Even in difficult moments, there’s usually something present that aligns with your deeper desires. Maybe it’s having a roof over your head, or the fact that your kids are healthy, or simply that this hard moment won’t last forever.

The Real Gratitude Practice: Supporting Your Nervous System

True gratitude work isn’t about forcing thankful thoughts—it’s about creating the conditions where gratitude can naturally emerge. This means:

Recognizing your “gratitude resistance” as wisdom. When appreciation feels out of reach, your body is telling you something important: I need more support right now.

Prioritizing regulation over positive thinking. This might look like taking a few deep breaths, going for a walk, calling a friend, or simply acknowledging that you’re having a hard time without trying to fix it.

Understanding that sustainable gratitude comes through caring for yourself. When you consistently tend to your nervous system—through rest, movement, connection, and boundaries—you’ll find that grateful moments start appearing without effort.

The Paradox of Authentic Appreciation

Here’s what I’ve discovered in my own journey and through working with countless mothers: the less you try to force gratitude, the more it shows up naturally. When you stop shoulding on yourself and start responding to your actual needs, you create space for genuine appreciation to emerge.

This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the result of consistently choosing to see your emotions—including the absence of gratitude—as information rather than failure.

Your Invitation Forward

The next time you notice yourself struggling with gratitude, try this gentle reframe: instead of “I should be more grateful,” ask “What does my nervous system need right now to feel more regulated and connected?”

Maybe it’s rest. Maybe it’s movement. Maybe it’s simply the permission to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment.

Remember: your inability to access gratitude in difficult moments isn’t a character flaw—it’s your wise body telling you that care and support need to come first. Listen to that wisdom. Honor it. And watch how naturally gratitude begins to flow when you do.

Your struggle with gratitude isn’t something to fix—it’s something to understand. And in that understanding, you’ll find the very appreciation you’ve been searching for.