Photo by Letícia Alvares

Many years ago, I was leading a Mindful Parenting series and one of the moms said, “I just want the off switch to my brain. I want to be able to turn off my thoughts.” Heads nodded around the room.

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. We all have that voice in our head—the one that says we’re not doing enough, not good enough, that things won’t work out for us. But here’s a question that might change everything: What if that voice is wrong?

The Voice That Feels So True (But Isn’t)

That critical inner voice feels incredibly real and urgent in the moment. It’s the one telling you:

• “You’re not a good enough mom”
• “You should be doing more”
• “This isn’t going to work out for you”
• “Other people can do it, but you never will”

When these thoughts spiral, they bring with them familiar feelings – tears, heaviness, that sense of shutdown and collapse. You might recognize this as the “dorsal vagal” nervous system state – essentially, your body’s way of saying “I can’t handle this.”

But here’s the crucial insight: This voice isn’t you. It’s just a part of you.

Understanding Your Inner Protector

That critical voice isn’t your enemy—it’s actually trying to protect you. It’s been programmed by your caregivers, early experiences, and the systems you’ve been part of. It learned to keep you “safe” by:

• Criticizing you first (so others can’t hurt you with their criticism)
• Telling you that you can’t do something (so you won’t be disappointed when you don’t succeed)
• Keeping you hypervigilant about potential threats or failures

This protective part of you has a biological basis. Our brains have what’s called a “negativity bias”—we’re naturally wired to notice and focus on potential threats and problems. This kept our ancestors alive, but in modern life, it often keeps us stuck in patterns of self-doubt and anxiety.

The Lens Through Which You See Everything

Here’s what’s really important to understand: The state your nervous system is in becomes the lens through which you see everything—your work, your relationships, your kids, your body, and the world around you.

When you’re in that critical, shutdown state, you’ll find evidence to support those negative beliefs, even when there’s plenty of contradictory evidence available. Your brain literally filters information to confirm what that protective part already believes.

A Different Way Forward: Question, Don’t Eliminate

Instead of trying to turn off these thoughts (which isn’t possible while you’re alive and breathing), try a different approach:

1. Name and Acknowledge the Voice

When you notice that familiar spiral starting, pause and ask:

• “Who’s talking right now?”
• “What part of me is this?”
• “Where do I feel this in my body?”
• “What is this part afraid of?”

You might even give this part a name. Some people call their inner critic “Nancy” or “Beth” or whatever feels right. This creates some distance between you and the voice.

2. Thank It for Its Service

Remember, this part is trying to protect you, even if it’s not serving you well anymore. You can say, “Thank you for trying to keep me safe, but you’re not telling me the full truth right now.”

3. Look for Different Evidence

Once you’ve acknowledged the protective part, you can consciously look for evidence that contradicts what it’s saying. This isn’t about toxic positivity—it’s about getting a more complete picture of reality.

Why Affirmations Don’t Always Work

You might be thinking, “I’ve tried positive thinking and affirmations, and they don’t work for me.” There’s a reason for that.

About 80% of the communication in your body goes from your body to your brain, while only 20% goes from your brain to your body. This means your feeling state is much more powerful than your thinking state.

If you’re trying to think your way into feeling different while your nervous system is in a state of stress or shutdown, it’s like trying to mix oil and water. The positive thoughts have nowhere to grab onto and anchor.

Practice Makes Progress

The key is practicing new feeling states, not just new thoughts. Just like Beyoncé’s muscles kicked in when she almost fell during that Super Bowl halftime show 9  years ago (anyone else remember that!), whatever you practice most is what will be there for you when life knocks you off balance.

If you’re unconsciously practicing anxiety, self-doubt, and “it’s never going to work out for me” thoughts, those will be your default. But if you practice feeling more grounded, grateful, and expansive, those states become more accessible.

A Simple Practice to Get Started

Here’s something you can try right now:

Put a hand on your heart and say this meta-phrase: “May I choose to feel and see things differently? May I practice new thoughts and feelings that are here for my thriving?”

This isn’t about forcing positivity. It’s about creating a bridge between where you are now and where you want to be. It’s about bringing your “mindful gardener”—that part of you that’s curious, discerning, and compassionate—online.

The Bottom Line

Your inner critic isn’t your inner truth—it’s your inner protector. And while the process that created this voice makes perfect biological sense, what it has to say is often wrong or, at best, only a very limited version of the truth.

You don’t need to eliminate this voice entirely (you can’t), but you can learn to question it. You can take the mic back and choose to see things differently.

The voices in your head speak from whatever nervous system state they’re living in. When you understand this, you can start to shift not just what you think, but how you feel—and that changes everything.