Photo by Jessica Fadel

We all say we want to be happier during the holidays. We want our kids to be happy. We want to create happy memories. But what does “happy” actually mean?

If you’re like most mothers I work with, you might struggle to answer that question. I know I do. We throw around this broad goal of happiness without getting specific about what we’re actually working toward. And here’s the truth: if you don’t have a clear vision of what a happier holiday season looks like for you, how can you possibly create it?

The Ultimate Question

Early in my private practice, I had a session with another therapist that I’ll never forget. She had this commanding presence—jet black hair, heels, the whole package—and she seemed to have everything figured out. I went to her seeking guidance about my career direction, rattling off questions about whether I should do this or that.

She cut through all of it with one simple question, repeated over and over in her southern accent: “What do you want?”

I couldn’t answer her. I truly didn’t know. And that’s exactly why I was floundering.

This is what I want to ask you today: What do you actually want from this holiday season?

Moving Beyond Generic Goals

“I want to be happier” is not a vision. It’s a vague wish that gives you nothing concrete to work toward.

Instead, imagine this: It’s early January. Your kids are back at school, and you have a quiet moment to yourself. You think back on the holidays and feel genuinely satisfied. You think to yourself, “That was an awesome holiday season.”

Now here’s the important part—what made it awesome?

Was it a specific moment? Maybe you’re sitting on Christmas Eve with your feet up, relaxed, instead of scrambling to wrap presents at midnight. Maybe it’s a particular person who wasn’t there this year, creating space for peace. Maybe it’s sipping hot tea on your couch knowing every present is wrapped and your partner is handling bedtime.

Get specific. What helps your shoulders drop? What leads to a deeper breath? What makes you almost giddy thinking, “I can’t believe this is our holiday”?

Meet Your Inner Cynical Sally

Here’s what will likely happen when you start this dreaming exercise: parts of you will try to shut it down.

I call mine Cynical Sally. She’s the voice that says, “Yeah, but that’s not realistic. You can’t say no to your mom. You have to do Thanksgiving morning with the grandparents. Who are you kidding?”

You might also recognize Inner Beth (if you’ve taken my quiz at theschoolofmom.com/quiz)—the part that doubts and can be pretty mean. These protective parts want to keep you in what’s familiar because familiar feels safe, even when it keeps you miserable.

When I dream about being a bestselling author with Oprah calling to interview me (yes, that’s my dream), Cynical Sally laughs and says, “Who are you? You only have so many Instagram followers. No one knows who you are.”

The key is not to let these parts derail the whole exercise.

How to Work With Your Inner Protectors

When Cynical Sally shows up, I acknowledge her: “I totally hear what you’re saying. What if we could just dream a little bit? Are you open to that?”

Usually, she’ll agree to come along for the ride of my imagination game. And that’s the beginning of being able to work with this part and ultimately release her grip.

These parts are trying to protect you. They jump in and say, “Oh no, you can’t do that. We have to make sure everyone loves us, so we need to keep people-pleasing.” They don’t let you dream because those dreams often come with awakening new parts of yourself—parts with robust boundaries, parts that prioritize your own well-being.

So be on the lookout for any cynical parts that try to override your dreaming. Ask them: “Do you want to just hang out for this exercise? Are you willing to see things a little differently?”

Understanding the Happiness Spectrum

Here’s something important to know: happiness isn’t just euphoric, lottery-winning moments.

Happiness is a spectrum that encompasses everything from quiet contentment to euphoria. I feel happy right now walking with the sun out, gloves keeping me warm, talking to you. I also felt happy when I randomly won a Helly Hansen jacket at the ski slopes—but that euphoric moment is much harder to come by than this peaceful contentment.

The contentment side of the spectrum is often already happening in your life, but you’re missing it. These quieter moments are also much easier to create.

When I do this exercise and think about my happier holidays, it doesn’t involve big, monumental experiences. It’s about quiet moments—moving slower through my day, being on the couch with my kids reading graphic novels together. That’s all I want. More moments of that.

Who Do You Need to Become?

The final piece of this vision work is asking yourself: Who do I need to be to have this happier holiday?

You need to become the version of yourself who believes, without a shadow of doubt, that a happy holiday season is available to you. It’s yours to claim.

As one of my previous coaches, Amber Lily Strom, says: “If the dream is in you, it is for you.”

This is what’s mind-blowingly cool about humans—we have imaginations, which means we can create realities for the future. You want to be the person for whom a happy holiday is non-negotiable. That’s just what you do. You know you deserve and are worthy of the holiday you dream of, and you can create it for yourself.

Your Vision Exercise

So here’s what I want you to do: Dream into your ideal holiday season. Float through it in your imagination as if you’re in the dream scenario—the happiest holiday you could possibly have.

Get specific using all five senses:

• What does it look like?
• What does it taste like?
• What does it sound like?
• What does it feel like?
• What does it smell like?

Play out your day. Notice how you’re feeling, what you’re doing, what you’re thinking, who’s around you, and who’s not around you.

Expect that protective parts will show up. Ask them to come along for the ride.

And then share with me—what does your happier holiday actually look like?

Because once you know what you want, you can start creating it.

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This post is based on Episode 69 of the Mothering Ourselves Mindfully podcast. Listen to the full episode for a deeper dive into creating your holiday vision, and stay tuned for next week’s episode where I’ll explore the science of happiness.