Photo by Aleksandar Andreev

We’ve all heard the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child,” but where exactly is that village? For many modern mothers, finding genuine support feels like searching for something that simply doesn’t exist anymore—at least not in the way it once did.

In a recent conversation with Kristin Revere, founder of Gold Coast Doulas and co-author of “Supported: Your Guide to Birth and Baby,” we explored what support truly means for mothers and how to build community in a culture that often leaves us feeling isolated.

What Does Support Actually Feel Like?

Before we can seek support, we need to understand what it looks like. For Kristin, support feels like “a sense of relief, like I can just breathe.” It’s that moment when the stress of being in two places at once dissolves because someone stepped in to help.

She shared a perfect example: when her daughter forgot her volleyball uniform and was already on the bus to an away game, Kristin had to rely on a complete stranger—another volleyball mom—to get the jersey to her daughter. Meanwhile, she needed to be at her son’s football game, and her husband was traveling for work.

“I showed up at a parent’s house that I’d never met and she totally reassured me,” Kristin recalls. That sigh of relief, that knowing someone cares enough to take that extra step—that’s what support feels like.

The Independence Trap

Many of us, especially oldest children or those with “Type A” personalities, struggle with asking for help. Kristin admits she used to see asking for help as a sign of weakness. Sound familiar?

The truth is, most of us are happy—even eager—to help other people. So why is it so hard to receive that same help? The key is recognizing that asking for support isn’t burdening someone; it’s often giving them a gift. Some people have helping personalities that genuinely need to feel needed. By asking for help, you’re actually allowing them to express their natural gifts.

As Kristin wisely notes: “We aren’t meant to do this alone.” Looking at tribal communities and other cultures around the world, the concept of “mothering the mother” and caring for children as a community is foundational. Somehow, in modern American culture—especially when we move away from family for careers—we’ve lost that essential support system.

Finding Your People: Practical Strategies

For New Moms:

If you’re in the early postpartum stage, consider:

• Joining local fitness classes designed for new moms
• Attending story time at your library
• Seeking out breastfeeding support groups
• Taking childbirth education classes (where you’ll meet other parents due around the same time)
• Exploring baby-wearing groups or music classes

Kristin found her core mom community through childbirth classes with both of her children. They would meet up at botanical gardens, wear their babies together, and even had a one-year reunion on a farm. Those connections became lifelines—people to text on bad days, to ask about baby gadgets, or simply to know you’re not alone.

For Veteran Moms:

Here’s something many don’t talk about: finding support can actually get harder as your kids get older. When you have a second, third, or fourth child, people assume you’ve “got this.” Your mom friends are also juggling carpools and multiple schedules, making it harder to coordinate support.

This is when you need to:

• Get creative with mom swaps (watch each other’s kids for self-care time)
• Consider paid help without guilt (housekeepers, laundry services, meal delivery)
• Communicate clearly with your partner about dividing the mental load
• Look into services like teen transportation for older kids
• Join online communities like School of Mom where you can connect with mothers in similar stages

The Mental Load Conversation

One of the most valuable things you can do is have an honest conversation with your partner about dividing household tasks—ideally during pregnancy or even preconception. Women carry so much of the mental load invisibly, and it’s exhausting.

Consider this: hiring help for even one task (like laundry) can be transformative. It not only frees up your time but also quantifies how long that task actually takes, helping your partner understand the true weight of household responsibilities. As Kristin and I discussed, sometimes paying for help is the cleanest way to remove guilt and the feeling of being a burden.

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish

We can’t pour from an empty cup. Kristin emphasizes that we can’t fully parent our children unless we’re taking care of ourselves first. This doesn’t mean you need hours at a spa (though that’s lovely too). It means finding what lights you up—even if it’s just 10 minutes.

Whether it’s a walk around the block, sitting on your deck with a book, meditating, or prayer—those moments of turning your attention toward yourself are essential. Your children don’t just want your attention; they deserve you at your best.

The Bottom Line

Building your village in modern motherhood requires intentionality. It means:

• Showing up to local classes and groups (yes, even when it feels awkward)
• Asking for help without apologizing
• Investing in paid support when possible
• Having honest conversations with your partner
• Joining online communities that understand your season
• Modeling for other mothers that dropping balls is normal and asking for help is strong

Remember: when you normalize asking for support, you give other mothers permission to do the same. We need to move beyond complaining about the overwhelm and into action—creating solutions that work for our families and our communities.

You weren’t meant to do this alone. Your village is out there; sometimes you just need to build it brick by brick, connection by connection.

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