Photo by Becerra Govea Photo

Let’s talk about the thing nobody wants to admit at playgroup: you’re probably not having as much sex as you think you should be.

And right there—in that one sentence—is the entire problem.

I recently sat down with my friend Rebecca Howard Eudy, a couples and sex therapist, to have the kind of brutally honest conversation about sex and parenting that most of us are too afraid to have. What came out of it wasn’t just eye-opening; it was the kind of permission-giving, shame-reducing conversation I wish every parent could overhear.

Stop Asking “What’s Normal?”

Here’s what we all want to know: How often are other couples having sex? Give me a number so I can figure out if my relationship is doomed.

Rebecca’s answer? It’s the wrong question.

“What actually matters is how everybody in the relationship feels about the frequency,” she explains. Some couples have sex every day and it works for them (though Rebecca admits these couples are rare). Others have sex three times a year—birthdays and anniversary—and if both partners are satisfied, there’s no problem.

The issue isn’t the number. The issue is when there’s a mismatch in desire, which happens to be the single biggest reason couples seek sex therapy.

Understanding the Desire Gap

Here’s where it gets interesting: men are statistically slightly more likely to have higher sex drives due to testosterone, which fuels spontaneous desire. Women, on the other hand, tend to have more responsive desire—meaning they need to be in the situation and start feeling aroused before they feel desire.

But—and this is important—it’s not as gendered as you think. Plenty of women are the higher desire partners in their relationships. And yes, you can absolutely have two low-desire partners (hello, parenting exhaustion).

The cultural stereotype of the husband “chasing his wife around the kitchen” creates its own pain. When your relationship doesn’t fit that mold, there’s an added layer of shame: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with us?

The Real Problem: Nobody’s Asking for What They Want

Here’s where Rebecca called me out on my own relationship patterns, and honestly, it was uncomfortable in the best way.

I shared how I’d love to just cuddle at night—have some physical intimacy without it leading to sex every single time. But I avoid initiating any contact because I know where it’s going. One toe touch under the sheets, and the ball is rolling.

Rebecca’s insight hit hard: “You are avoiding initiating what you want because it doesn’t feel like you’re going to be able to get what you want.”

The higher desire partner carries all the initiation energy. Meanwhile, the lower desire partner never gets to ask for what they actually want. They’re stuck in reactive mode, either saying yes (and sometimes feeling resentful) or saying no (and feeling guilty).

This dynamic creates a vicious cycle. The lower desire partner feels like an object meant to meet their partner’s needs. The higher desire partner feels rejected and unloved. Both people end up hurt, and nobody’s desire is being honored.

Connection Outside the Bedroom Is Foreplay

When I feel emotionally seen and heard by my husband, I’m turned on. After a good couples therapy session? We almost always have sex. Why? Because we talked. We connected.

Rebecca confirms what many women instinctively know: foreplay doesn’t start when the lights go out. It starts with the unloaded dishwasher you didn’t ask for. The five minutes of genuine listening when you’re processing something difficult. The acts of service and emotional presence throughout the day.

“Higher desire partners need to understand that when they poke the toe over and there’s been no foreplay throughout the day and no effort to do the thing that she wants outside of the bedroom… she feels like an object,” Rebecca explains.

But here’s the flip side: the lower desire partner also has responsibility. It’s not just the higher desire partner’s job to create the right environment. The lower desire partner needs to step into ownership of their own desire, communicate clearly, and advocate for what they want.

It’s Not Just About Time or Exhaustion

Sure, cyclical hormone changes affect desire. Yes, parenting is exhausting. But Rebecca introduced me to something called Sensate Focus—a therapeutic approach where couples are prohibited from having intercourse for a period of time.

What happens? The lower desire partner often experiences enormous relief. The pressure is off. The mental ticker of “it’s been X days since we had sex” stops running.

And here’s the beautiful part: when you take the usual formula off the table, you can start discovering what you actually want. Not what you think you should want. Not what you’re willing to do out of obligation. But what genuinely lights you up.

Getting Curious Instead of Defensive

The conversation ended where all good therapy conversations do: with curiosity.

“The more defensive you are, the less you have your own back,” Rebecca reminded me—a quote from one of her own therapists.

Most of the pain in our intimate relationships comes from misattunements and misunderstandings, not malicious intent. When we can drop our defensiveness and get curious—both about ourselves and our partners—we create space for real connection.

So instead of spiraling into “What’s wrong with me?” or “Did I marry the wrong person?” try asking: What do I actually want right now? What would help me feel connected? Am I avoiding asking for what I want because I’m afraid I won’t get it?

The Invitation

There’s nothing wrong with you. Your frequency doesn’t define your relationship. And you’re not alone in navigating the complicated dance of desire, exhaustion, and intimacy after kids.

But you do need to start talking about it—with curiosity, vulnerability, and compassion for both yourself and your partner.

---

Want to dive deeper into this conversation? Listen to the full episode HERE and learn more about Rebecca’s work at rebeccaeudy.com, Instagram @rebeccahowardeudy, and Substack @parentsinlove. Her book, Parents in Love, is available for pre-order and releases in October 2025.