Taking the Mic from Our Shame: How Naming Our Inner Critic Sets Us Free

We all have that voice inside—the one that whispers (or sometimes shouts) that we’re not good enough, not cool enough, not worthy enough. Mine is named Beth.

Why Beth? Because in sixth grade, a girl named Beth approached me in the cafeteria, looked at my prized Champion sweatshirt—one of the few “cool” items in my wardrobe that I wore with pride—and said loud enough for everyone to hear: “Ugh, Sarah, didn’t you wear that sweatshirt last year?”

In that moment, I remember shame flooding my body (even if I didn’t know it was shame at the time). I felt exposed, inadequate, and suddenly aware that I didn’t belong. What I didn’t realize then was that this brief interaction would be the start of a voice in my head that would follow me for decades—through middle school, high school, college, my professional life, and even into my 40s as a mother, coach, and podcast host.

When Our Inner Critic Takes the Wheel

As I shared in this week’s podcast episode, this “Beth voice” became my inner critic—the part of me that beats me up “on the regular” and makes me think I’m not a good enough human, wife, friend, or mother. She is the voice of my shame and inner critic.

The fascinating adaptation that happened in my nervous system was that I learned to criticize myself first. If I could point out my own flaws before anyone else did, maybe I could avoid that intense middle-school cafeteria feeling again. My inner Beth would say things to me that no actual person would ever say—not even the meanest girl you can imagine.

Despite years of personal development work, mindfulness practice, and teaching others about self-compassion, this pattern persisted in specific relationships. I’d find myself around certain confident, fun, dynamic women and suddenly revert to that awkward, insecure seventh-grade version of myself.

And then came the shame spiral: feeling awkward, then feeling ashamed of feeling awkward, then worrying the other person noticed my awkwardness, then feeling even more shame. As I described it in the podcast, it felt like “a demon comes over my body and I have no control over it.”

The Balloon-Popping Moment

Recently, something shifted. During time with a dear friend—one was triggering a shame response in me unbeknownst to her —I found the courage to name what was happening. With tremendous vulnerability, I told her about my internal experience: how sometimes when I’m with her, I feel awkward and insecure, how I judge myself for it, and how I worry she thinks I’m being weird.

What happened next was like taking a giant Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon and popping it.

My friend was shocked. She had no idea I’d been experiencing this. The shame that had been growing in secrecy—what Brené Brown would describe as shame in a petri dish with secrecy and disconnection—couldn’t survive exposure to connection and empathy.

The Neuroscience of Old Programming

What’s happening in these moments isn’t actually about the other person. As I realized through this conversation, my nervous system was “neurocepting” my friend’s energy, running it through my memory database, and finding similarities to past experiences that triggered shame.

This is what we’ve been exploring in the Mother Matrix series—how our programming lives in our mothering, our relationship with time, our bodies, our sense of worthiness. This unconscious programming influences everything until we make it conscious.

Why Naming Our Shame Matters

The liberation I felt after this conversation wasn’t limited to this one relationship. When we release shame in one area of our lives, it impacts other areas, too. My insecurity shows up in my work, in how I compare myself to other coaches in my industry, in my social media use—it permeates many spaces.

But by naming it, by giving “Beth” a microphone and then taking it back, I reclaim my power. I create space to show up as my full, authentic self.

The Invitation

Is there a “Beth” in your life? Someone whose words or actions planted a seed of shame that grew into your inner critic?

Maybe it was a classmate, a sibling, a parent, or a romantic partner. Most of us have someone—especially in those vulnerable pre-teen and teenage years—who made an imprint on our nervous system that still shapes how we show up today.

What would happen if you named that voice? If you recognized when it’s speaking? If you had the vulnerable conversation with someone you trust about how this part of you sometimes takes over?

As Brené Brown teaches us, “Shame cannot survive being spoken.” When we put shame in a petri dish and add connection and empathy, it can’t survive.

I invite you to take the mic from your shame. To be “awkward, kind, and real,” because what other way is there to be?

If you’re curious about your own inner voices, I invite you to take my quiz, “Discover your dominant inner voice and how it may be getting in the way of your thriving as a mom” at theschoolofmom.com/quiz.

Let’s keep making the unconscious conscious, together.