How Understanding Your Nervous System Can Transform Your Parenting

As mothers, we often blame ourselves when we can’t access joy during what should be beautiful moments with our children or when we find ourselves constantly irritated by “normal” kid behavior. But what if I told you these reactions aren’t your fault? What if understanding your biology could be the key to transforming your experience of motherhood?

Let’s talk about something that’s revolutionizing our understanding of human behavior and parenting: your nervous system.

Your Body vs. Your Nervous System

Think of your body as a vessel—a time machine of sorts that carries you through different seasons of life. Within this vessel lives your nervous system, an intricate network with one primary goal: keeping you alive. This system is the result of generations of evolutionary adaptation, and it’s constantly working behind the scenes to ensure your survival.

The Three States of Your Nervous System

Thanks to Dr. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory, we now understand that our nervous system operates in three main states:

1. Ventral Vagal (Connection State)

• This is where we feel grounded, calm, and connected
• It’s the state where joy, compassion, and flow exist
• This is our optimal state for conscious parenting
  

2. Sympathetic (Fight/Flight)

• This is where anxiety and rage live
• You might feel charged up or unable to sit still
• Many moms spend a lot of time here due to constant stressors and demands
  

3. Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown)

• This is our survival shutdown state
• Think “I don’t even care anymore” moments
• That checked-out feeling when everything becomes too much

Why This Matters for Mothers

Ever wonder why you can’t access playfulness with your children even when you want to? Or why intimacy feels impossible even when you have the time? Your nervous system state directly impacts your capacity for these experiences. You can’t access joy from a shutdown state, just like you can’t feel peaceful when you’re in fight/flight mode.

Understanding this can help us release the shame and self-judgment that often accompanies these experiences. It’s not a character flaw—it’s biology.

The Co-Regulation Connection

Here’s where things get interesting for parents: our nervous systems are designed for co-regulation. This means we naturally attune to others’ emotional states. That’s why your toddler’s meltdown can so quickly become your meltdown if you’re not careful.

The goal isn’t to be an emotionless parent but to be what I call a “thermostat, not a thermometer.” Instead of automatically matching your child’s dysregulated state, you can learn to maintain your regulated temperature and help bring them back to balance.

Practical Steps Forward

1. Start noticing your states:
   
   • What does each state feel like in your body?
   • What triggers movement between states?
   • Which state do you spend most time in?
     
2. Identify your co-regulation sources:
   
   • Which people help you feel safe and grounded?
   • What environments support your regulation?
   • What activities help you return to a ventral vagal (ie. safety) state?
     
3. Practice self-compassion:
   • Remember that your nervous system is doing its job
   • Your reactions aren’t character flaws
   • Healing and regulation are skills that can be learned

Understanding your nervous system isn’t just about managing stress—it’s about creating the foundation for the kind of parent you want to be. When we operate from a regulated state, we’re more patient, present, and playful. We’re better able to handle the challenges that motherhood inevitably brings.

Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate stress or negative emotions—that’s impossible and unhealthy. Instead, we’re aiming to build our capacity to return to a regulated state more quickly and stay there longer. This is what allows us to truly flourish in motherhood rather than just survive it.

Want to understand more about how your nervous system might affect your parenting? Take our quiz at https//www.theschoolofmom.com/quiz to discover your dominant inner voice and its corresponding nervous system state.